Twenty-Seven Vases
I've been sorting some thoughts out in my head lately...I spent a bit of time at the valley of the sun mortuary last week. My friend's memorial was there and I sat on a bench with the sun behind me thinking.
Mortuary's are strange places to me. I sat on a cold concrete bench with the sun at my back warming me, as I sat I listened to my rest song.
From my spot in the middle of the mortuary, I watched as a man in an old BMW convertible sit by a grave site about 200 feet away. I watched as four workers dug a hole in the ground in the distance, softly whistling while they worked.on all the grave sites there were concrete vases that were all filled with flowers...it made me wonder who filled them. Most were pretty uniform so I assumed that the mortuary filled them so that they wouldn't appear to visitor's as empty. Empty concrete vases are depressing. I'm glad they fill them. As I sat there I started to count how many different floral arrangements filled the vases...the ones that didn't look like the mortuary's standard bouquets...I counted 27 out of probably 300 that I could see from where I sat.
27. Wondering at that number, I found myself watching the BMW man again. He had a chair he brought with to sit in the shade of the tree that was over the grave site he was sitting at. He didn't appear to be grief stricken...in fact, the opposite really. He looked...peaceful. He didn't really move...just seemed at peace with his own thoughts sitting next to his loved one in the sun. I wondered what he thought about. Part of me wanted to go sit by him and ask, but I don't think you're supposed to do that.
I had tears in my eyes as I sat...my heart has been aching and somehow sitting there started to bring a little bit of peace as I listened quietly to my song. The song is very familiar to me. It was the song I listened to on repeat for weeks when he died...two years ago today...and I still listen to my song on repeat a few times a month when my heart aches and feels unrest. I wondered again at the 27 floral arrangements. Death is strange. It is still so very strange to me that he's not here. December 8th, 2013...we had played sunday worship together...we talked about his "name that tune" instagram post's he had been posting...he played quietly behind me as communion went on...at the end I remember looking over at him and catching a smile from him. Playing music was fun with him.
The next day he was gone. So very strange.
I know that I am feeling all of these things because she passed away...the week before thanksgiving. The odd thing is that I feel the pressure to not feel these feelings of sadness anymore. Pressure to move on with life...to not be sad anymore. To be honest, I have for the most part. Two summer camps have come and gone where he wasn't there...almost three winter camps. Wednesdays still go on without him on stage...he's not even a thought anymore except for his white guitar that jesse still loves and plays. Life continues...he died two years ago, but even with her recently passing...the feeling of pressure to be already moved on is there. Is the pressure to move on there because it's easier? Easier to just act like they're gone...almost as if they didn't exist? I know they're gone, but I like talking about them. I like remembering conversations. I like remembering things I laughed at with them. They were cool people...friends. I thought about those 27 vases and wondered why we're supposed to move on? I don't cry everyday at him being gone...he's with Him, I know it. These feelings only usually come when I think about how much life has shifted...when I think about the people that he and she have left behind...the ones who love and loved him so much more than me...there are many.
27 vases.
27 people who have chosen to not to move on from their loved ones. Life continues...it always has, it always will...but remembering is a good thing, I think. The BMW man...he was peaceful in his remembering of his loved one. Peace..."He will be our peace." Ecclesiastes says there is a time to mourn and a time to dance...there has already been dancing...things that make you smile...laugh hard...every day small moments and larger moments. I think that the conclusion of these thoughts of mine is thatI think it's okay to still grieve and mourn every once in a while in the midst of continuing on this side of heaven.
